


itd be all kinds of rude to just keep swearing at you like some kind of sailor fresh in from port

by digimaniac33



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22510039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digimaniac33/pseuds/digimaniac33
Summary: Because sometimes your parents talk to your friends and you don't find out about it for ten years. Companion to Wild Child.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	itd be all kinds of rude to just keep swearing at you like some kind of sailor fresh in from port

**Author's Note:**

> this just kinda formed out of the aether in the last week, but it fills a couple holes in how i imagine the wild child universe to go - all spelling mistakes on dave's part actual mistakes made by me that i decided to leave in, any mistakes in dad's parts will probably be corrected as time goes on

TG: hey egbro what’s up  
TG: wait shit thats a stupid nickname  
TG: sounds liek we’re both baby birds that got hatched by the same bird  
TG: except youd obviously be like a sparrow or a bluebird or some basic shit like that  
TG: and id be the cool crow baby that just rolled up on the nest one day  
TG: like what up this is where i live now  
TG: mommy crow figured child care is a bitch so shes leaving me here to hatch insetad of dealing with me herself  
TG: and id grow up thinking im a weird ass bluebird or whatever until one day i finally meet my people and understand my entire life has been a lie  
TG: okay i take it back eggbro is the best nickname ever  
TG: so anyway whats up  
GT: My apologies, it seems I accidentally traded phones with my son this morning.  
GT: John is at school today, so I believe he won’t be responding until the afternoon.  
GT: This is Dave, correct?  
TG: oh shit  
TG: i mean uh  
TG: oh shoot  
TG: sorry mr egbert my bad  
TG: wait you know my name  
GT: Yes, John and Jade both talk about you extensively.  
TG: oh  
TG: cool cool cool cool cool cool  
GT: I’m quite pleased they’ve found such an engaging friend. When Jade first joined us, I was concerned she would have difficulties socializing with others, but you’ve certainly taken her under your wing and I appreciate that.  
TG: oh uh  
TG: thanks  
TG: mr egbert sir  
GT: Oh, don’t feel the need to call me sir. Mr. Egbert is fine.  
TG: you sure  
TG: cuz i wouldnt want to like ignore your knighthood or anything if youve got one  
TG: that would be downright rude and inconsiderate  
GT: Hahaha, no, I don’t hold any titles.  
GT: Aside from fatherhood, of course, which I bear quite proudly.  
GT: Now if I’m not mistaken, you live in Texas, correct?  
GT: Shouldn’t you also be in school at this time?  
TG: nah  
TG: i mean schools in session but bro says im too cool for that today  
TG: gotta help him wtih some of his website shit  
TG: i mean stuff sorry  
GT: Thank you for the apology. I’ve always strought to teach my children that swearing should be a matter of serious consideration, and I appreciate that you’re aware of my stance on the issue.  
TG: well yeah itd be all kinds of rude to just keep swearing at you like some kind of sailor fresh in from port  
TG: those years out on the ocean really tear away at a man  
TG: you get real bogged down in the currents and the winds and the daily grind of absolutely nothing  
TG: sometimes you forget where the ocean ends and the man begins  
TG: but itd still be real effin awful to swear at a man who doesnt like hearing it  
TG: like lets have some dignity at least  
GT: Hahaha.  
GT: You are certainly a very clever young man. I can see why Jade and John appreciate your friendship so much.  
TG: oh uh  
TG: yeah no problem  
TG: anyway guess i should stop distracting you from whatever serious busness you get up to at  
TG: uh  
TG: your job i guess  
GT: Thank you, and apologies again for the confusion - I’m sure John will be quite tickled when he realizes we switched phones.  
GT: Quite a good prank, even if neither of us intended it.  
TG: yeah the universe sure reached out and yanked the prankster’s gambit hard on all three of us  
GT: Indeed.  
GT: I hope your brother appreciates your assistance and that he doesn’t keep you out of school too long.  
GT: A fine education is important after all.  
TG: what  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: nah itll be cool  
TG: anyway later

* * *

TG: yo john you see that new trailer for skate bros 4 yet  
TG: shits gonna be all kinds of nasty  
GT: John has been grounded, actually. His phone privileges have been revoked for the next two weeks.  
GT: He’ll be allowed some computer time over the weekend, so you’ll be able to converse with him at that point.  
TG: oh okay cool thanks for the heads up  
TG: actually this is good timing  
TG: i got a question about jade  
GT: Yes?  
TG: shes got a birthday right  
TG: i mean obviously she was born at some point  
TG: unless my alien superhero theory is true  
TG: but like you know what day right  
GT: Yes, her birthday is December 1st.  
TG: oh shit thats only two days before mine  
TG: fuck i mean shoot  
TG: i mean  
TG: sorry  
GT: Apology accepted.  
GT: Can I assume this means you plan to prepare a present of some sort for her?  
TG: yeah i got this loop ive been working on for ehr  
TG: got all sorts of sick beats and dog noises  
TG: should be right up her alley  
GT: … I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.  
TG: i mean its a dave strider original so she better  
TG: theres basically a constant mass of people outside my doors waiting for me to give them just a taste of my sweet sweet styles  
TG: and here shes gonna get a whole buffet all to herself  
TG: shed be flippin off so many orphans out there if she didnt appreciate what shes getting  
TG: just like sorry tiny tim i know this is the one thing you look forward to every year  
TG: but theres a weird island girl who frankly deserves this more than you do  
TG: so suck it up little dude  
TG: man i guess that means shes older than me huh  
TG: cant believe ive been training her in the ways of the internet and shes got two whole days on me  
TG: what kindo f justice is that i ask you  
GT: I’m not sure.  
TG: oh right  
TG: forgot i wasnt talking to john  
TG: anyway thaks for the info mr e ill make sure i get that finished up in time for jades birthday  
TG: and tell john hes welcome to run away from your totalitarian regime and hit it up with me and my bro  
TG: gettin grounded would be the least of his worries then  
GT: …  
GT: I’ll let John know you’ll speak with him over the weekend.  
TG: yeah that works too

* * *

GT: Excuse me, Dave? This is John’s father.  
TG: oh what up mr eggbro  
TG: need some sick beats for your job or somethin  
TG: my dance cards a little full these days but i can pencil you in since youre family of friends and all  
TG: ive also got mad photography skills if you need that to liven things up  
TG: hope you like watermarks  
GT: No, actually, although thank you for the offer.  
GT: I actually wanted to make you an offer myself.  
TG: oh seriously  
TG: is this where you reveal that youve secretly been part of some kind of deep space research team to save us from all the meteros that are about to destroy the world  
TG: and youre offering me the last bunk on the last ship outta here  
TG: lets just ignore all the scientists and athletes and economists who could help construct a better world once we get out there  
TG: its definitely of the utmost importance this kid from texas gets to go on a ride  
GT: You’ve been watching movies with John and Jade, haven’t you?  
TG: yes  
TG: mr egbert my dude im sorry to say it but  
TG: im afraid your son has no taste in movies  
TG: jade may be salvagable but theres no hope for john  
TG: hes got a terminal case of unironic b list movie enjoyment  
GT: Some of his choices are… less well researched than I personally enjoy.  
GT: But no, my offer is not related to space travel.  
GT: I was wondering if you would like to join us on our next trip to New York.  
TG: what  
GT: I believe you’re aware of Jade’s unique situation in regards to her grandfather’s passing.  
TG: its come up once or twice yeah  
GT: Well, this summer will be our third trip to New York to satisfy the conditions of her custody, and I believe John and Jade would love for you to be present, as well.  
GT: From what they’ve said, I think you’ve even gotten along well with Rose, correct?  
TG: i mean  
TG: sure  
TG: if you count passive aggressive psychological attacks and ironic wizard raps to be getting along  
TG: which i guess we do  
TG: but uh  
TG: i dont think my bro would go for it  
GT: Oh? I would think he’d appreciate the opportunity for you to visit with your friends.  
TG: well  
TG: i mean  
TG: hes like a master of irony so he wouldnt approve but like  
TG: only because of how like ironically strict hes gotta be about some things  
TG: like youve gotta be a mad master of irony to pull off fifties sitcom dad levels of strict  
TG: you know no dinner because you got back from school late  
TG: but like also you werent gonna get dinner anyway cuz surprise fridge is full of swords  
TG: that kinda thing  
GT: … I see.  
TG: its really an honor to train under such a master of the stuff you know  
TG: like a yougn padawan learning from his jedi bro  
TG: except its ironic so hed have to be like  
TG: the evil jedi  
TG: but good about it  
TG: its hard to get if youre not steeped in the stuff like me and bro i dont blame you for being confused  
GT: I can understand that.  
GT: Well, my offer still stands.  
GT: In fact, if you’d ever like to visit us in Washington, our door is always open to you.  
TG: …  
TG: okay  
TG: dont be surprised if i roll up one day on a motorcycle all what up i live here now  
TG: got that young rebel energy going real strong  
TG: still gotta let me in even if i slam some jukeboxes and make them play music everywhere i go  
GT: Yes, even if you turn into the Fonz, you will be welcome into my home.  
TG: …  
GT: Feel free to let either John or Jade know if you’ll be joining us in New York.  
GT: I’m sure Dr. Lalonde would be happy to help you get there.  
TG: uh  
TG: sure thing mr egbert  
TG: hey why are you using johns phone anyway  
GT: Well, he’s attempting to pull the classic plastic-wrapped entranceway prank on me.  
GT: He’s made quite a good attempt, but he failed to realize I noticed him setting it up.  
GT: So I’ve temporarily swapped his phone for one that squirts water when he tries to take pictures.  
GT: That way, when I ‘fall for his prank’, he’ll be pranked instead!  
TG: oh sick  
TG: tell jade to get a picture for me  
GT: As soon as it’s safe to let her in on the secret, I will.  
TG: sweet


End file.
